SeeDs
by Ronin2
Summary: What can I say? It's a crossover parody of FFVIII and COPS. So all you Galbadians and evil sorceresses beware! What you goin' to do when they come for you?


SeeDs  
  
With apologies to COPS (a  
trademark of Fox TV) and  
FFVIII (a trademark of  
Square/Enix)  
  
Due to the extreme nature of our   
parody, viewer discretion is   
advised  
  
(While Inner Circle's Bad Boys  
plays, we see the FMV sequences of  
the SeeDs raiding Dollet, to the  
Galbadian missiles roaring over the   
ocean--at one point, the words  
"In Dolby 5.1 Where Availible"  
come onscreen--to the Balamb   
and Galbadia Gardens' clash, to  
The Lunatic Pandora gliding over  
Esthar--here, we see the words  
"Transmitted In Japanese   
Secondary Audio Program JSAP."  
--to when the Ragnarok storms  
The Lunatic Pandora, before   
"SeeDs" comes onscreen.)  
  
Announcer: SeeDs is filmed on   
location with the men and women  
of Balamb Garden. All suspects  
will be considered innocent, unless  
they're either Galbadians or evil   
sorceresses.  
  
The Fire Caverns, near Balamb,  
2:12, P.M. 1st SeeD Test  
  
Squall (to the viewer): I first joined   
in SeeD when I was a leetle nipper,   
at a time when things were   
humdrum after the last Sorceress   
War. So, as soon as I was older, I   
signed up, and I've been here at   
Balamb Garden since. At first,   
I thought a small trash can   
backwater town like Balamb  
seemed so rinky dink, but I was  
assured by Chicken Wuss--UH!!  
I mean fellow SeeD Zell Dincht  
that it was OK to live in.  
  
(Squall and Quistis enter the  
Fire Cavern.)  
  
Squall (continued): Our latest task   
is to take on the GF known as Ifrit  
as part of my latest SeeD exam, so   
let's get it on.  
  
(Squall and Quistis take on the Ifrit,   
and win well in the fight.)  
  
Ifrit: They have Shiva?  
  
(In time, the SeeDs win their battle,   
thus enabling Squall to win his latest  
GF.)  
  
Squall: Okeydoke. I guess that does it.  
  
Quistis: Boy, what a nutzo that Ifrit was.  
(to the viewer) It seems that was the   
easiest exam. Right now, the next exam   
should be in Dollet, where we take on the  
nefairious G-Army.  
  
Squall: I can hardly wait.  
  
Quistis: Neither can Zell.  
  
Dollet, 3:38 P. M., SeeD  
Field Exam, G-Army Terrorist  
Incident.  
  
Selphie (to the viewer): Me, Squall and Zell   
have been called to take out a couple of   
Galbadian upstarts named Biggs and Wedge;   
it seems they've been taking over the Dollet   
communications tower. Either they're using it   
for some evil purpose, or they must be setting   
up some pirate station. Anyhow, our task is,   
as if you didn't know, to put an end to their   
hijinks.  
  
(Upon reaching the top of the tower, the dish   
unfolds before broadcasting--and that is when   
Squall approaches Biggs.)  
  
Squall: What do you think you're doing?!?  
  
Biggs: Huhhhh? Likewise, MISTER!! What do you   
think you're doing?!? H-HEY!! What happened to   
all the soldiers down below?!? WEDGE!! Take care of  
these twerps!!!! W...Wedge? I...ah... Well...ah...I seem   
to be done here, so I'll just be on my... I-I'm leaving...   
Move it!! Move!! Move!!  
  
(After Seifer stepes in to foul up the matter at   
hand, Squall and co. fight Biggs.)  
  
Biggs: Prepare for the worst, you brats!!  
  
(In a moment, Wedge steps in.)  
  
Wedge: Major Biggs....Have you finished the   
repairs, sir? What's the enemy doing here?!?  
  
Biggs: WEDGE!! Where were you?!? No pay   
for you this month!!  
  
Wedge: ....Should've stayed home!!  
  
(After Squall's group wounds one of them,   
a wind strikes Biggs and Wedge.)  
  
Biggs: What the....?!?  
  
Wedge: Ahhhhh!!  
  
Squall's group now fights   
Elvoret. After winning, they   
survey the mess.)  
  
Zell: Well, we sure whupped 'ol  
Elvoret. A shame the same can't   
be said for Biggs and Wedge here.  
  
Squall: No sweat, they'll be around  
at the D-District Prison and The   
Lunatic Pandora.  
  
Selphie: Hey, don't give the plot  
away.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Zell: Fine with me. (to the camera)  
Anyhow, we'll get chased by the   
X-ATM092, and head back to   
Balamb for our SeeD titles....er,  
what ever you call it....(to Squall)  
What do you mean by Chicken  
Wuss? First Seifer, and now you....!!  
  
Squall: Sorry.  
  
(Cut to a commercial)  
  
COMMERCIAL:  
  
(The scene shows Biggs fighting the   
SeeDs at the Dollet tower.)  
  
Biggs: There's a bunch of SeeDs  
trying to thwart our plans for  
using the communications tower.   
I am here to help.  
  
(The next scene shows the inside   
of The D-District Prison where  
Biggs and Wedge fight the SeeDs)  
  
Biggs: There's an uprising at the  
Galbadia D-District Prison. I am   
here to help.  
  
(The last scene shows Squall and  
co. in The Lunatic Pandora where  
they meet Biggs and Wedge.)  
  
Biggs: The SeeDs have raided   
The Lunatic Pandora. I am here to  
help.  
  
(From there, Biggs and Wedge walk   
off.)  
  
Biggs: I am an important part of  
The Galbadian Republic Army Dept.--  
well, ALMOST. Anyhow, I am Major   
Biggs, an army of one.  
  
(A montage showing a BGH251F2,  
Galbadia Garden, the Galbadian  
Paratroopers, the G-Army soldiers  
doing their thing, and Seifer standing  
in glory takes place while we hear Seifer's   
voice.)  
  
Seifer (voice over): The Galbadian Republic  
Army Dept. wants you!! In the G-Army, you   
can learn such stuff as piloting a BGH251F2,  
Galbadia Garden maintanence, Paratrooper   
duty, sword magic in the G-Army, and, in  
my case, just running the front office.   
There's even a side job for you to join my  
disciplnary committee for some extra gil, plus  
all meals will be free during your stint.   
  
(The screen changes to show a map of  
the FFVIII map of the world in the background,  
with the Galbadian logo in the foreground,  
surrounded by the words, "Seifer Almasy   
Wants You For The Galbadian Army.")  
  
Seifer (continued): So if you're loyal to your   
Galbadian heritage, and not a Chicken Wuss   
like Zell Dincht, then, do your part by joining   
The Galbadian Army.....or else!!  
  
Raijin (voice over): Paid for by Vinzer Deling,   
y' know.  
  
Fujin (voice over): AFFIRMITIVE.  
  
END OF COMMERCIAL. BACK TO THE SHOW.  
  
Balamb, 4:40, P. M., Galbadian  
Army takeover  
  
Zell (to the viewer): I first joined SeeD  
so I could be somethin' like my gramps.  
Anyhow, it's bad 'nuff when a dope like  
Seifer calls me a Cry-Ba-by-Zell, not to  
mention a Chicken Wuss, but it's even  
worse when that same dope sends out  
Galbadian troops to take over Balamb,  
scare my ma an' The Big Bad Rascal, an'  
stink up the kitchen at home for some   
poison fish, just to search for Ellone!!  
Anyhow, we're at The Balamb Hotel, to  
take on the captain known as Raijin. Oh,  
and with me is Squall and Selphie--again.  
  
(Upon their arrival at the hotel, a   
Galbadian soldier turns to the SeeDs.)  
  
Galbadian Soldier: Hey, you!! Stand back.   
This could be dangerous!! The commander's   
just about to....  
  
(We see Raijin kicked out of the hotel.)  
  
Raijin: YEOW!! Ouuuch....F-Fujin....C-Control   
your temper, ya know? I was patrollin', just   
like ya told me. I even woke up that search dog,   
sleepin' on the job, ya know? You guys help me   
out here!! We've gotta clam Fujin down, ya   
know?!?  
  
Zell: RAIJIN!!!!  
  
Raijin: Wooooow!! What are you guys doin'   
here?!?  
  
Zell: We're here to liberate Balamb, ya know?!?   
....I mean....uhh....We're here to liberate   
Balamb!!  
  
Raijin: Seifer told us to give you a whoppin' if   
we saw you, ya know!!You soldiers help me   
out, too!!  
  
(Squall's group fight Raijin and 2 Galbadian   
Soldiers--and at one point, Raijin is wounded.)  
  
Raijin: Ughhh, you got me, ya know....  
  
(After the fight, Zell and co. stand   
triumphant.)  
  
Zell: OHHHH YEAHHHH!! The commander's   
gonna get a whoopin' too!!  
  
(Entering the hotel, the SeeDs come across   
Fujin.)  
  
Zell: So I guess you're the commander!! Pack   
your bags and get the hell outta Balamb!!  
  
Fujin: ....RAIJIN, DEFEATED....?  
  
Zell: That's right, BABY!! Now, where' Seifer   
and the sorceress?!? You're all goin' DOWN!!  
  
Squall: Zell, clam down. (to Fujin) Fujin, looks   
like you're on your own. Are you still willing to   
fight?  
  
Fujin: RAGE!!  
  
Raijin: BWA HA HA HA!!!! She's not alone!!  
  
Zell: W-Who's there?!?  
  
(Raijin enters)  
  
Raijin: Major comeback, ya know!! Actually,   
I feel a lot betta, ya know!! I feel invincible,   
ya know!!  
  
Zell: How the....?!? I thought we defeated   
you!!  
  
(Once again, the SeeDs fight Raijin and   
Fujin.)  
  
Raijin: Time to get serious, ya know?!?  
  
(They wound Raijin.)  
  
Raijin: Sorry Fujin....they got me, ya....  
  
(They wound Fujin.)  
  
Fujin: I....DEFEATED....  
  
(Long after Fujin and Raijin depart  
after the fight, we see only the  
SeeDs.)  
  
Squall: Friend or foe....It all comes   
down to circumstance. That's how we  
were raised. It's....nothin' special.   
(Nothin' special....Is that true?  
Then....What is this I'm feeling?)   
Let's go. (to Zell) Wanna go with   
me an' Selphie for some Ball Park   
beef hot dogs?  
  
Zell: I was hopin' you'd ask!!   
O-KAAAAAY!!  
  
Selphie (to the viewer): So now that   
Balamb is free of Galbadians, we'll   
take a hot dog break before we  
head to Trabia where we'll check  
out our orphanage past WHOO-  
HOO!!  
  
The Lunatic Pandora, Adel's   
Chamber, 5:58 P.M., Domestic  
Violence Report.  
  
(We see a black screen before the word   
"SeeDs" comes onscreen; it dissolves  
to a shot of Squall, Quistis and Selphie  
hightailing it up the path to Adel's chamber.)  
  
Quistis (to the viewer): You might think  
that Square/Enix could've paired me with   
Squall, but NO!! They had to stick that  
dumb 'ol bimbo Rinoa!! An' while we're on the   
subject, we got a domestic violence report  
on Seifer grabbin' an' draggin' the R-gal to   
Adel to be junctioned, so me, Squall an'  
Selphie got to hurry an' break up the play.  
  
Squall: You said it. I told her to stay outa  
trouble. She sure can't follow orders. Boy,  
am I goin' to give her one hell of a butt   
ache....!!  
  
Selphie: Show no mercy, Squall.  
  
(Inside Adel's chambers, we see Seifer using   
his Hyperion Gunblade to shove Rinoa to  
Adel.)  
  
Rinoa: Seifer!! Stop it!! Haven't you done enough?!?   
I know you're not like that!!  
  
Seifer: Can't go back now!! I can't go anywhere!!   
The sorceresses as one!! That is Ultimecia's WISH!!  
  
Rinoa: ......Seifer.  
  
(As one might expect, Squall and his fellow   
SeeDs arrive on the scene.)  
  
Rinoa: ......Seifer. No more....Please?  
  
Seifer: Rinoa....  
  
Squall: Seifer!!!! NO!!  
  
Seifer: Rinoa and Adel!! The sorceresses   
as one!! Watch closely, Squall!!  
  
(With his Gunblade, Seifer--UGH--fondles   
Rinoa's body before shoving her to Adel before   
he runs out; from there the now awakened   
Adel junctions with Rinoa resulting in a   
rumble twixt the sorceresses and the   
SeeDs.)  
  
Rinoa: AHHH.......!! That SUCKS!!  
  
(With Adel bested and Rinoa freed, Laguna  
and Ellone arrive.)  
  
Laguna: Ellone, now's your chance!!  
  
Squall: JUST A MINUTE!! (turns to Rinoa   
and grabs her arm.) COME HERE!! YOU'RE  
IN FOR A BUTT ACHE!! I WARNED YOU!!!!  
  
Rinoa: OW!! My arm!! You're breaking it!!  
  
Squall: Tough tacos, stupid!!  
  
(From there, Squall pulls Rinoa over   
his knee and ferociously uses his  
Gunblade to swat the hapless Rinoa's  
butt 1200 blistering times; needless   
to say, the R-gal is kicking , fighting   
and red in the face.)  
  
Rinoa: OW!! OWW!! OWWWWWW!!!! STOP  
IT, SQUALL!! THAT HURTS!!!! YOU BIG  
MEANY!!!!!!!! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!! I  
AM ONLY HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Squall: And one for your run in with Seifer  
and Adel!!  
  
(Afterward, Squall turns Rinoa loose  
and glares at her.)  
  
Rinoa: Oh, my achin' keister....!!  
  
Squall: That'll teach you to disobey  
a SeeD!! You had NO BUSINESS  
heading off by yourself!!  
  
Rinoa: I was only tryin' to help....!!  
  
Squall: Sometimes the only thing   
you can do to help, is NOT to help.  
  
Laguna: Uh, sorry to interrupt,  
but NOW can we get to the task   
at hand?  
  
Squall: Make it so, Number One.  
  
(From there, Ellone does her time  
magic thing with Rinoa.)  
  
Laguna: Ok, Ellone. Just get Rinoa   
back.  
  
(Which is just what Ellone does.)  
  
Rinoa: I....was inside Adel....The   
young Adel....  
  
Laguna: Ultimecia's inside Adel.   
Exactly as she wanted. Ok, this is the  
showdown folks!! Time compression is   
about to begin. 'Love, friendship,  
and courage'!! Show'em what you   
got!!  
  
Squall (to the viewer): Well, the next   
stop is Ultimecia's Castle, in the   
future. 'Nuff said.  
  
(The scene fades to black while the   
beginning end credits fade in.)  
  
Squall (voice over): Attention  
all SeeDs, attention all SeeDs, it's  
time to invade the castle of   
Ultimecia, a.k.a. Rinoa.  
  
Irvine (voice over): Irvine Kinneas here,  
roger that, Squall.  
  
(The credits scroll up while an  
instrumental version of Inner   
Circle's Bad Boy s plays, to the   
end.)  
  
OWARI (THE END) 


End file.
